Are you holding onto something that you need to let go of?

My wits. Harharhar. Just kidding, I’ve already lost them and I’m going flipping mad (but the best people usually are ;)). Anyways, the first thing that popped into my mind was clothes. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve made an attempt at spring cleaning, only to have my room end up more messy than before with clothes strewn all over the place. Then, in an attempt to be more “deep,” I wondered if there was any first love I was still holding onto that I needed to let go of, but alas, I have never yet fallen in love, so that was not the case.

Standards: I’m torn between aiming for high standards or aiming for low standards; on one hand, you should never sell yourself short, and you should always believe in yourself, but on the other hand, setting impossible standards can be quite discouraging. I guess what you need, as in the case with all things in life, is balance. But that’s not what I’m most concerned with. I’m pretty tough on myself most of the time. Lately I’ve been giving myself some slack (it is summer after all). However, when there comes a time I don’t understand something, I can never bring myself to admit it. Not understanding something has never been a thing I needed to consider. I was on top of everything. I went above and beyond. In group projects, I’d finalize everyone’s work and redo parts myself if necessary. If people had questions, they came to me. It didn’t come so easy in high school, but I managed pretty well, that is, until the upperclassman years. I didn’t know how to cope with it, and I felt so ashamed admitting that I needed help, even if it was just a simple question that could easily be resolved by my teacher and quickly explained to me. In this case, the high standards I set for myself hindered me. My need to assume the image of this brilliant, quick-witted student, did not allow me to admit that I couldn’t do everything myself. I’m about to start college, and I know the academic level will be much more rigorous than what it was in high school, so there is no doubt that I will face many challenges, and when I do, I’m going to tell myself that seeking help and asking questions is not a sign of weakness but of intellectual curiosity, which is not even a euphemism—it’s completely true! (with maybe a dash of this and that)

Middle school glory days: Where did I get the image of this brilliant, quick-witted student I was supposed to be? From my middle school self of course. The school I attended in Beijing went from pre-K up until high school. You study with the same community of people, and over the course of time, you build a reputation, and believe it or not, my good reputation was what was holding me back. We are taught to believe that it is okay to make mistakes, and it is, but that doesn’t mean you go around making mistakes on purpose if you know the correct way to go about it. Some people make more mistakes than others, and I didn’t want to be one of those people. If you don’t make mistakes, how do you grow? Well geez, I’m only human. I’m going to make mistakes no matter what, and hopefully I’ll learn from most of them, but I’d still like to minimize the amount of mistakes I make. What I didn’t realize I was doing was that I was trying to cover my mistakes. I didn’t want anyone to know that I was struggling. In the last four years, I’ve caught myself saying numerous times, “I was so this,” “I was so that,” and what am I now? I’ll tell you what. A complete failure!!!!! You know what’s just as important as learning from your past? Moving forward. That’s what I didn’t do, and that’s what I need to do.

Anger: Don’t let my tiny appearance fool you. This is the ultimate one for me. I’m that short, kinda chubby girl that nobody hates (I think. Well, at least one that nobody hates aggressively), and some people like. I’m agreeable but not necessarily friendly. That started changing around the upperclassmen years. I don’t know if it was because of all the stress building up, or because I was spending too much time around Internet-people, but I just didn’t like people (irl) anymore. I was sick of what I thought I was doing all this time in my life, merely tolerating them. I thought, why should I keep tolerating them? Here they are being unapologetically annoying, and here I am letting the anger fester up inside me. It’s time that they know that they’re being annoying and maybe they’ll kindly shut the firetruck up. I thought that they owed me, which I realize, now that I’m putting this out in words, is absolutely ridiculous! Really, the problem was me. Most likely (I say most likely, because when I get mad my mind gets kinda hazy and I lose the details), I’m getting worked up about nothing, and there really should be no reason to get angry. If I get angry, I lose. And what do I get if I win? Nothing. Probably not even happiness. But at least I’m not angry. Whenever I feel like I’m really gonna lose it, I’m going to chant under my breath, karma’s a witch, karma’s a witch, karma’s a witch, and let fate take its course. (I’m trying to keep it PG-13 here). Be the better [wo]man.

Are you holding onto something that you need to let go of?