Awhile ago I decided that I wasn't going to apologize for belated posts anymore, otherwise I'd be apologizing at the beginning of every post, and that's tiring for both me to write and you to read. But today I want to acknowledge it. This post is a week late and was supposed to be about my afternoon at Maan Coffee cafe with my dad and youngest brother (don't worry, you'll hear about that later).
To put it bluntly, I don't like where my 52 project is going. Every week I'm just writing about random things and twisting them to fit my 52 mornings theme. I like to think that I'm clever enough with my words to mask the bullshit, but there are only so many ways you can write about a lazy Sunday morning. Also, you can't bullshit a bullshitter, and we've all done a little bit of that in our lives. It's gotten to the point where I've contemplated becoming a photography blog so that I wouldn't have to write at all; one thing this 52 project has taught me is to constantly look for photographable moments, not that I always catch them, or even most of them. (Don't worry, I value the written part of blogging too much to do that. There's just some kind of discontent going on that I need to figure out...)
If you're sitting there and you're about to write a blog post and you're doing it because you feel like you have to, not because you have anything to say that's going to be of value to your audience, shut the laptop down, because that's not what it's about.
-Jen of Jennypurr in Make It Happen podcast ep. 02 with guest Mariah of Femtrepreneur
I have ideas, new things I want to try, fresh content I want to share, but I haven't gotten around to it because I'm constantly struggling to keep up with what I have going on right now and the structure I set (albeit a very lax structure). Jen goes on to say, "If you're just doing it to keep up and if you haven't got anything to say, then why are you posting? Don't make noise; say something valuable." Guilty.
I don't like where my 52 project is going, but I'm hesitant to let it go. It's one of the few things I've stuck with. I tried the 100 Happy Days project, which didn't work out, and... I actually can't think of any other projects; I probably didn't get far enough for them to be worth remembering. My biggest regret is giving up the violin, which I played pretty well back in elementary school if I do say so myself. I gave up competitive swimming. I don't do choir anymore. I can't think of anything I've followed through on. Bucket lists, goals, and resolutions are a great reminder of that.
I don't want this to turn into a pity party. I don't see myself as a failure per say; I see myself as a quitter. (You must be thinking, oh wow, what a way to turn a situation around! Just hold your horses.) Reading The Nectar Collective's article about when it's okay to quit helped me find some peace for awhile, but looking back on all these things I quit, I realize that I quit not because of the challenges but simply because I got bored. I don't know which reason is worse.
There are so many people
that use "following your dreams" as an excuse to not work, when in
reality, following your dreams, successfully, is nothing but work.
-Brandon Stanton of Humans of New York (x)
We live with this ideal that we shouldn't waste time on anything we're not passionate about, and that's clearly what I've been living by, but sometimes passion is not enough to fuel us through. It's always exciting to start something new, but that excitement often times burns out. For those who still have it burning, I'm really happy for you and I wish that I could say the same of myself.
I don't see myself as a failure, but I do feel as though I have failed. It wasn't until I listened to ep. 07 of Jen's podcast that I put it together. Guest Kory Woodard shares one of her failures and the benefits of sharing it so publicly. You feel like you're alone in failure, but you're not. That's something we all know, so I'm not here to elaborate or teach a lesson we've all heard in some form or another. I'm here to figure out what I want to do from this point on, after failure, and I need your input as a gauge.
So here's the big question: Do I want to keep doing this 52 project? I'm at a crossroad here. Maybe the whole point of this project is to continue to create through challenge. Maybe this is the defining moment. Maybe if I stick to it I'll figure it out. I'm already 25 weeks in, might as well, right? But is that the attitude I want to have going in? Should I change my attitude? Or is it a sign that it's time to move onto something new and there's no point in adding to the noise? Or is that just an excuse?
I've been so adamant about not quitting for the sake of not quitting, but Jen's podcast has given me another option--not that I should quit but that I could be making room for something better.
I'm not expecting you to answer me because they're my questions and I won't feel fulfilled until I answer them for myself and believe in what I do. Anyways, even just writing this post has been very cathartic, and as I push the publish button, I'm starting to get an idea of the answer I'm hoping for.
Out of curiosity, do you want to see more 52 project posts, or something new?
idk mebbe both
BS PS: 24. 23. 22. 21. 20. 19. 18. 17. 16. 15. 14. 13. 12. 11. 10. 09. 08. 07. 06. 05. 04. 03. 02. 01.
Labels: 52, life lately